People at Glendale - Sarah-Jane

I think I grew up in a Godless home, I dont remember him being mentioned all that much, certainly not worshipped or prayed to, I dont remember much in fact. Except that, for some reason, I always KNEW there WAS a God. No logic, I just knew.

I had what some would describe as a turbulent childhood, probably why I dont remember much of it, which I managed to cope with, only to find myself clinically depressed at 22. After a run of bad luck, I ended up in a psychiatric unit for a short time, completely unable to cope with life, and I attempted suicide.

On that night, full of too many painkillers, and in my car, parked on Ditchling Beacon, looking out over the lights of Brighton, I began my relationship with God. No fanfares, no flashing lights, not even a voice in my head, just a feeling that dawned on me-a feeling that I just needed to go home. Which I did. I proceeded to be very sick for 24 ho urs.

Then came the Community Psychiatric Nurse, who tried to convince me that there were Benevolent beings, call them angels if you will he said, that loved me and cared for me. I couldnt comprehend it, I was way too ill really, but a strange thing happened. As the time went by, and the anti-depressants, tranquillizers, and therapy started to draw me out of the blackness, a thought occurred to me. If there is a God, why would he let all those bad things happen to me? It didnt make sense, I hadnt done anything to deserve those things. However, if there ISNT a God, then all my pain & suffering, and that of those around me who were also affected by it, was for nothing, pointless, just a load of bad stuff happening to an innocent person. It didnt make any sense to me. As time went by, I got better, bit by bit, I began to really live, and to see life, and enjoy the world. I could appreciate family, friends, nature, hobbies, everything, in a new way. I also found that I could be open about my depression and how it had affected me, that by talking about it, lots of people talked back, nearly all of them saying Ive hardly spoken about it or Ive been ashamed of the stigma, but with me, they could be open & honest about their pain. All of a sudden I felt like there was a point after all, only Id been so down deep, I hadnt seen it. So I came to the conclusion that maybe God gives us these bad circumstances to make us into remarkable, strong, sympathetic, empathetic, and compassionate human beings, who can reach out in love and understanding to our fellow man, to be Gods arms, Gods words, and Gods love when He cant get through in any other way. And you know, thats good enough for me! If thats what I can give back then it was all worth it, no regrets.

Things have happened to me in my short life, that have been excruciatingly painful. I have felt at times as if I was walking around with my nerve endings exposed to the air, with no skin to protect me, and I have been so unbearably sad. I look back now and see that that pain took me back to a relationship with God. Pain has a way of humbling you to a place of humility where, I knew, I was nothing without His love. There is such a sweetness to be found in surrender, in calling out His name, and needing His strength so badly, in our total weakness, and hour of need.

Coming forward a little, from my earlier experiences, Id been enjoying a friendship with God, praying, talking, and noticing Him in just about everything I saw. But still I felt I was searching for something, that there was a hole. I was healed from my depression, passed some very hard exams, made, and kept, some really amazing friends, and worked hard at my dream job. Still that hole, nothing filled it. I was really happy & fulfilled, but with an empty feeling at the same time. I met Barbara in the kitchen at work one day-I was singing, she said you sound happy I said yes, I have a lot to be thankful for. She said are you a Christian? in true Barbara style… I stuttered, looked the other way, and was non-committal. The truth was I didnt know. I knew I had a relationship with God, but as for Christ, well, Id read about him, knew of him, but had never met him.

Over the months, Barbara and I chatted in the kitchen, and then she invited me to the Taming The Tiger event at the racecourse, and lent me the book. I read it in 3 days, or should I say I devoured in 3 days!! Wow, what a story - Powerful, stunning, moving, and humbling. I had to see this man, I wanted to hear more. So I did, and that night at the racecourse, when Tony Anthony gave his testimony to over 700 people, I stood up, and prayed that prayer Oh, Lord Jesus, come into my life, let me know you, I want to turn away from my old life of sin

I had plenty of sin to turn away from as did Tony, but if he could have this wonderful relationship with Jesus, after all he had done, then so could I! I was stunned, I cried for a long time, and then I was really peaceful. The next night I saw Tony again at Sustain, then on Sunday, I saw him again here. Not bad for a non-church goer! I think Id got his message by then if the Son sets you free, then you shall be free indeed Wow! Free! Amazing freedom, from guilt, worry, insecurities, loneliness, fear of death, a freedom to be myself, Gods beautiful child, and to love others in a new way, with Gods love flowing through me.

What a wonderful man this Jesus is, what an awesome thing he has done, for me, and for you. Jesus has taught me one of my most difficult lessons I have ever tackled. Forgiveness. What a blessed relief to know I am forgiven, that my past transgressions are no more. But more importantly than that, He has shown me how to forgive others, for pains I have felt, for any number of things we could hold a grudge for, forgive, and let it go. Now thats a weight off my shoulders. And finally, I have forgiven me, no more self-beating, putting myself down for past misdemeanours, or not allowing myself to be all I can be. If Jesus has forgiven me, but I refuse to forgive me, what am I saying about Jesus judgement, and more importantly, his work on the cross? Hard lesson, gratefully received.

As you know I now come to Glendale most Sundays, and I have been a Christian for nearly a year now, and its been the most life changing year, EVER!! To walk with Jesus beside me, brings me great peace, serenity, happiness and joy, and I hope, increased wisdom. Having God in my life everyday is like an anchor in the storm, a lighthouse that I can always see, even if sometimes the shore seems a long way off. He hears and answers my prayers, guides me, and heals me of all the sadness, and pain I have known. I always say now, you be careful what you pray for, because Hes listening! and Boy has he been listening to me!

My whole life has been changed, all be it, at a slow and steady pace, by Gods love, and now everyday, though his friendship, and our relationship. Our Lord Jesus is indeed our saviour, in this life, and in the next.